Aftermath, and Moving Forward
With the ending of this relationship I’ve found myself not going through grief—in truth, this process was done weeks ago, almost as if I was anticipating the end. Instead, I’ve found myself going through a different process. Wondering what’s next.
So much expectation, desire, and self-vision was bottled up in this relationship. With this relationship gone, it is as if that bottle has been smashed, and all the contents have been left pouring out on the floor.
Of course there was the dark period. When the rumblings of this coming change were felt, it already seemed as if the world was about to crash. In truth, these “crash” was just the foreshadowing. So in actuality there has been relatively little sadness on my part, perhaps only because there was little more to give.
I was left feeling almost energized. Not happy, mind you, and I was certainly confused, but I was nonetheless energized as if an old fire had been re-stoked and starting to come alight. The confusion was the only thing that kept it from outright bursting. But even on the day of the change, opportunities fell into my lap that I’d been waiting months for, and yet had not been actively seeking. Maybe it was a wake-up call?
I’ve started to consider how I want to resume my studies. I had let this blog languish for awhile. Lack of time and lack of energy had put me up to doing other things, and relationships take up time. The rhythm I had cultivated for myself in the period when she had moved to San Francisco but I hadn’t yet—well, that was a remarkably productive time. This is only, I think, because it takes work to be in a relationship. Especially the kind that I wanted to construct.
Now I feel like I’m playing catchup. I’ve read a lot of books fully or partially since I last wrote about books. My small library has grown by a few notable volumes since I got to the Bay. I happened to find a one-volume of the Nag Hammadi Scriptures and a book called the Quadrivium in a local bookshop. I haven’t even finished all my books from the desert, nevermind the ones she gave me to read.
I checked in with some important sources though. My feeling, and the word, is that this is a time for patience. Not necessarily a time for slowness, but a time for careful consideration and a lack of expectations. Of receiving whatever comes, and learning from it all. I have the feeling I’m at the beginning of a multi-year phase, something around five or so. Regardless of the time, the important thing to realize is that there is a simple regimen that needs to be cultivated. I’ve wondered if I should follow the curriculum that was suggested in the Magician’s Companion, but I feel that following it to a T would missing the point. It was, after all, a suggested curriculum. A brilliant one, but a suggested one only.
I feel like I have a grip on the places I need to start for my learning, however. But one of the lessons I have to keep in mind that I most remain humble, and this is not a time for hasty action. Decisive action, yes. But the subtle kind, and the kind that I know that will tend well to my innermost parts.
So many projects, and so many books. So many possibilities. I will have to take them all one at a time.